WHAT WOULD I/YOU CHOOSE?

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Constantly looking to my past and blaming myself for whatever trials my present, present me with. As a Christian my bible tells me since I am in Christ old things has past away behold the new has come. And for some seconds, hours, days or weeks my heart will be joyful and rejoice in those words. Holding them dear to my heart like it’s all I’ve got. But in a split second that rejoicing is quickly overwhelmed with doubts, disappointment, fear and unbelief and I find myself right back at where I started. Sometimes and in this case doing more things that can further distance me from the joy and rejoicing I just slipped from or better put distance myself from the source of the joy, who is Jesus. At this phase, something in me knows I should be fighting for that joy, seeking to dwell in that joy, searching for the giver of that joy but I absolutely have no desire to do that, my heart doesn’t even want to thirst for that desire. All I want to do is dwell in this unwanted phase because it feels like home, but then something happens. The source of joy Jesus comes looking for me, I am blinded to this act of unconditional love because now my heart is cold and not searching for him, but I see his footprints everywhere, he leaves messages around that only himself and I understand awakening my dead heart and filling it with love again.

With this love comes a hunger for more, so here I am again seeking and thirsting for more, longing for him. And as faithful as he his he always meets me and my journey with Jesus starts again filling my heart with joy. The journey goes smoothly but then temptations arise, I fight back and win but not for too long and boom! I am back in that unwanted phase but this time with guilt, depression, oppression and anger as the new tenants of those extra baggage.

This cycle continues for a while and honestly, I am tired of returning to this unwanted phase and as I dwell in those thoughts I am reminded of how every time this happens my lover’s love and desire to save me is always stronger than my downfall and temptations. I ponder on this for a while and realize I have two options.

-         --    Ignore that saving love and desire and dwell in this unwanted phase OR
-         --   Accept that I am weak and allow his love to wash any garbage and dwell in that love that covers everything.

So, WHAT WOULD I/YOU CHOOSE?

Until next time Peace. 

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